


Love Me Anyway (Please)

by lovesgym



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 4x04, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Fix-It of Sorts, Getting Together, M/M, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29320437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovesgym/pseuds/lovesgym
Summary: When Eddie hears a soft thump on his back porch at 11:07 pm, he’s got a pretty good idea of what or rather who, it is.“Ed-Eddiee?” Buck slurs.“Are you drunk, Buck?” He reeks like a distillery.“You said you didn’t recommend hitting things.”“Yeah, well I wouldn’t have recommended this either, moron."
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 730





	Love Me Anyway (Please)

When Eddie hears a soft _thump_ on his back porch at 11:07 pm, or he’s got a pretty good idea of what or rather _who,_ it is. Buck’s having a really hard time with his parents’ visit- and honestly Eddie’s been half expecting him to show up all night. Buck had been going at the bag pretty hard this afternoon, but he’s not like Eddie when he’s upset. He doesn’t like to be left alone. So Eddie’s even left the porch light on. But when he doesn’t hear Buck’s key in the door, and he _does_ hear the boards on his back porch creaking like someone’s lingering out there, he knows something’s off.

He tip toes to the door, grabbing his baseball bat from behind the couch on the way- Eddie thinks his paranoia is understandable considering the shitstorm that has been his life the past few years- and he pauses at the door, hand poised at the door knob, and _listens._ He hears the soft but unmistakeable sound of someone breathing on the other side of his door, and his heart begins to pound, his only thought to protect his home and son. He counts down to himself- 3, 2, 1 and rips the door open, bat swinging wildly, and half way to its target when he realizes-

“ _Buck?!”_

His best friend has tumbled inside backwards, losing his balance from having the support of the door he’d been leaning on so heavily abruptly removed. He’s clutching the wall now for support, reacting slowly and not at all defensively enough for someone who had just nearly been attacked with a baseball bat.

“Ed-Eddiee?” Buck slurs.

“Are you _drunk?”_ Buck reeks like a distillery, and he’s not doing a good job supporting his own weight, leaning awkwardly against the wall in Eddie’s cramped entryway.

“You said you didn’t recommend hitting things.”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t have recommended this either, moron. Christopher is home, you know.”

Buck looks stricken at that, and he immediately turns as though to leave, swaying clumsily as he goes.

“M’sorry, Eddie. I’ll go- Chris shouldn’t see me like this.”

Exasperated, Eddie tugs Buck back into the living room. Despite his aborted movement towards the door, Buck lets himself be led.

“If can promise to be quiet, he won’t have to- he’s down for the night. Where do you think you’re gonna go, anyway? How did you even get here, huh?”

Buck looks at Eddie through bloodshot, half closed eyes, “think I walked.”

_Mierda._

Eddie hauls Buck into the bathroom and runs the sink, wetting a warm wash cloth and handing it to Buck. He finds the spare towels and takes stock of Buck again, who is staring intently down into the bowl of the sink, shoulders hunched, washcloth being gripped tightly and also uselessly in his right hand. Buck’s losing time in that way of drunken misery. Instead of just leaving Buck to it, Eddie finds himself in parental mode, running the shower and sticking his hand in the stream to make sure the temperature is _just so_ , the action practiced from countless nights with Chris.

“Get in.”

Buck looks like he might say something, protest rising in his expression.

“ _Evan,_ take a shower.” Eddie says sharply, a military tone underlying the softness of the command

Buck’s face crumples, and his already reddened eyes sting with tears that don’t fall.

“ _Please,_ please don’t call me that.” Alarmed, Eddie lurches forward and grips Buck by the shoulder. He doesn’t often call Buck by his real name, but it’s never caused a reaction like this before.

“Okay, okay. I won’t. I’m sorry. Get in the shower, Buck.” And Buck’s nodding, obediently stripping and stepping under the spray. Eddie barely gets out of the bathroom in time to give Buck his privacy, and he feels the heat rising to his own cheeks as he catches a glimpse of his friend’s rippling back and ass. He’s unsure if the blush is out of embarrassment for Buck’s naked vulnerability, or if it’s out of attraction. Maybe a bit of both. Either way, now’s not the time for these thoughts.

Eddie busies himself in the kitchen, brewing a large mug of herbal tea. He winces when he hears Buck gagging, but he’s a little relieved as well. He doesn’t know how much Buck drank but he knows it was way too much. He’s glad some of that is leaving his system, however unpleasantly. He opens the bathroom door partway and wordlessly hands in a spare toothbrush. Buck, who’s upright again at the sink and now wearing a towel around his waist, takes it, clumsily. Eddie notices that Buck’s hands are shaking, fine tremors making their way through him. But Buck stubbornly avoids eye contact, so Eddie leaves again. If he thinks he hears a sob, he pretends not to- if Buck doesn’t want him to know he won’t push. He sets down two mugs of tea and waits in the living room.

* * *

Buck finally emerges wearing a pair of Eddie’s sweats and an LAFD hoodie that could belong to either of them. His eyes are clearer when he sits down next to Eddie on the couch. He wraps both hands around the thick mug Eddie’s prepared for him and lifts it to his lips. His hands are still shaking, and he sloshes some of the tea onto his hoodie, wincing at the heat, but drinking deeply.

Without looking at Eddie, he intones, “thank you.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for, Buck.”

“But there is!” Buck’s making eye contact with Eddie for the first time tonight, and what Eddie sees there all but breaks his heart.

“It’s what we do, Buck. I’ve got your back- you’ve had mine, _and Christopher’s,_ more times than I can count.”

“No one’s ever-” Buck gulps and tries again, “No one’s ever…”

“No one’s ever, what, Buck?” Eddie prompts gently. Buck just looks up at Eddie, desperate to say something and unable to get it in the open.

“No one’s ever _wanted_ me!” Buck bursts out, and now that it’s been said, he’s gasping for breath like he’s just run a marathon, his hands over his mouth trying to muffle the sound so that he doesn’t wake Chris.

Eddie feels that outburst like a slap to the face. It’s such a simple, _raw_ statement that pleads for acknowledgement and tears and tears at Eddie’s heart. Eddie reels himself back from his first reaction- denial- because he knows it won’t be helpful.

“What makes you say that, Buck?”

“I always knew I was never enough but I didn’t understand _why,”_ and Buck’s voice breaks a little on that word. “I was a _replacement_. And not a good one.”

“What are you talking about, Buck?” Eddie asks softly.

“I never knew, but Maddie told me tonight-by accident- I don’t know if she or anyone ever would have told me.” The words are tumbling out of Buck now, and his breath is hitching in these painful sounding gasps that are not-quite sobs.

“I had a brother. He died- and- my parents had me. I don’t- I don’t know why, because they found it so hard. All I know is that I was never enough. They couldn’t l-l-love me.” Buck’s hesitation on that word makes Eddie hurt for him. “They said we- they said _I_ made it too hard.”

Buck’s not getting enough air, and he has to stop for a second. Eddie softly, tentatively places a hand on Buck’s back and starts rubbing circles.

Eddie’s not too comfortable with physical touch- he’s not talking about a friendly pat, a shoulder bump, legs pressed together on the way to a battleground or a fire- an elbow thrown here or there teasingly. Those kinds of touches he’s used to, been used to since his time in the army, and he gives them out easily. He’s not even talking about sex, the physicality and sharp pleasure of which comes naturally to him. But physical intimacy- the kind that accompanies vulnerability and softness- that’s difficult.

His withdrawal in that way was a key symptom of his PTSD when he returned to the States. It was an important reason behind the loss of connection that spelled the demise of his marriage. He had to work on it, hard, when he first got Chris back in his life. He’d even discussed it with his therapist and Chris’. Eddie learned to step up for Christopher, and now he’ll unhesitatingly take his son into his arms.

But Buck doesn’t struggle with touch. He folds Eddie into a hug when he thinks Eddie’s had a bad day- he sits with his arm around Chim and Hen in the truck, and he unashamedly holds Maddie’s hand when they’re out on walks. He’s even seen Buck kiss Christopher on the forehead before bed. Maybe, as Eddie’s learning, Buck’s physicality is a direct result of his cold upbringing. What Eddie knows for sure, though, is that Buck thrives on physical intimacy. And right now, he needs a physical reminder that he is loved.

Eddie’s hand has made its way to the back of Buck’s neck. He gives it a squeeze. Buck forces another painful truth out:

“They wanted Daniel, not me. They said I was hard to love.”

And Eddie…can’t listen to this anymore. He surges forward and pulls Buck right into his arms and half into his lap in a tight hug. It’s awkward because Buck’s a big man, but Eddie’s determined. He wants to say so many things but words aren’t Eddie’s forte and all that comes out is this:

“They were wrong.” But it’s enough. _Eddie_ is enough.

Buck whimpers into Eddie’s hoodie, the sound hurting Eddie as much as Buck. He breaks down, burying his head in Eddie’s neck. He’s crying in earnest now, big sobs that make his back tremble and that he’s trying his best to muffle. He cries like he’s twelve years old again. Eddie’s a little scared with the force of it. He just holds on, rubbing bigger circles into Buck’s back. Buck cries and cries, and eventually the sobs gets smaller and turn into little breath hitches. Eddie finds himself pressing a kiss into Buck’s temple before he can stop himself.

He pours his feelings into his grip on Buck, which he adjusts and keeps even after Buck stops crying. Eventually, Buck lifts his head and pulls back.

“S-sorry. I think I snotted all over you,” Buck sniffs and wipes his eyes and face on the sleeve of his hoodie. Eddie snorts.

“Sure did. You’re buying the pizza for the next month,” he says, trying for lighthearted. He strips off his wet hoodie and catches Buck looking. Even though he’s been crying, Buck’s still fucking stunning. Suddenly, Eddie’s very aware in a different way of Buck’s closeness. His blood is pounding in his ears, and he’s gonna need to take a minute. He stretches, going for nonchalant, but no sooner has he got his arms over his head than Eddie’s the one crowded against the wall, and Buck’s kissing him soundly. Eddie’s body reacts immediately, jeans tightening and tongue slipping easily into Buck’s mouth. Pretty quickly, though, sober heads-in this case Eddie’s- prevail.

“Buck-” he gets out between kisses.

“Yeah? Buck growls, stripping Eddie’s shirt off. Eddie groans long and low when Buck presses them together.

“Buck, wait. Stop.” Buck leans back, reeling a little. His eyes are filling up again and that’s the absolute last thing Eddie wants.

“No, I mean-“ If Eddie’s a little jumbled at the moment he thinks he should be forgiven- “Yes, stop. But just for now.”

“Eddie?”

“You’re still a little drunk, Buck, and it’s been a big night. When we do this, I want it to be with a clear head.” Buck nods, slowly.

“ _When,_ not if?”

“I don’t think there’s been an ‘if’ in my mind for a long time, Buck. But there’s a lot at stake here, and…” Eddie hesitates here- he doesn’t want Buck to take this the wrong way, but he needs to say it for his own sake.

“What is it, Eds?”

“When we cross that line, I need to know it’s because you really want me, and not because you need to feel wanted.”

Buck’s eyes fill visibly with emotion again, and Eddie winces, because he knows that had landed hard. But Buck surprises him. He pulls Eddie into a hug, and because they’re standing now, it’s Eddie whose head fits under Buck’ chin.

“You’re right, Eds. But I won’t ever let you feel unwanted.” It’s Eddie’s turn to feel his eyes stinging a bit. He takes Buck by the hand and leads him down the hall to the bedroom. They sleep soundly, and in the morning Chris’ energetic begging for pancakes will give Buck reason to regret his decisions as he suffers through a hangover and Eddie’s amusement at his expense.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. Comments and kudos are so appreciated!


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